The Thorn In My Flesh

My Dark Side does not make a statement with colossal mistakes or a grand entrance. It does not draw attention to its self or else it would be easy to spot and then eradicate. It creeps up on me in the little blunders and moments of careless, selfish indulgence that I encounter day to day. I ignore and dismiss these little blunders as they are just small and do not seem to represent anything more than the little blunders that they are.

Unfortunately, when I ignore these things they pile up. They can pile up unnoticed for months or years so that by the time I notice them, they have already done the damage necessary to make me feel like a horrible excuse for a human being. The one positive outcome of this is that it forces me to acknowledge that I do in fact have a Dark Side. Now what?

You see, the issue is that My Dark Side manifests its self when I am not aware of it. In order for me to not be aware of it means that I am probably at a wonderful place in life! I am getting everything right! I am feeling confident! I am happy!

This fact TERRIFIES me.

It terrifies me to the point where all I can come up with to counteract My Dark Side is stay on edge. I can never let myself get too happy or too confident at the risk that if I do, I will forget, and then My Dark Side will regain the momentum it had lost when I first discovered it.

I wish that I could forget it. I wish I could believe that I am the wonderful person with the dismissable imperfections that I thought I was.

A few months ago I rediscovered this verse:

7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This is beautiful. With the little but growing Faith I have, it doesn’t magically put everything right. But on my low days it is something I look at to remind myself of many things. Things happen for a reason. If I was perfect, then I would not need to grow. I would not need anyone to help me. I would not need love. I would not need God. I would be self-sufficient and alone on a pedestal.

Besides, if I ever thought I could become truly perfect, then I would probably just become conceited by my own amazingness and near perfection and then once again, alone!

So I know that living in fear of My Dark Side, putting a lid on my overall happiness, confidence etc. is not the right thing to do. It is actually quite exhausting and destructive to the bundle of joy that I strive to be!

Here is me finding another way :)

Yours Truly

Blankspace.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fr Martin Flatman
    Jul 25, 2012 @ 09:07:18

    See also 2 Corinthians where Paul says that even if his conscience does not accuse him he still cannot be certain, and must leave God to judge!

    Reply

    • thestoryofmydarkside
      Jul 25, 2012 @ 23:55:08

      Exactly!
      I had a read through 2 Corinthians just now but I was not able to find the passage where Paul says this, unfortunately I must have missed it. I do trust in that point though, our conscience can sometimes miss things out completely! Even so, it’s nice to know that this is something everyone can identify with even St. Paul!

      Reply

  2. Trackback: My Dark Side Helps Me To Forgive « The Story Of My Dark Side

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