Entropy :-D

Read something good today :) and he mentions the law of entropy (physics woooooo!!!)

This is a beautiful post that to me is an explanation/extension of the quote that:

“all that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

This is not politically motivated. I’m still a bit of a kid when it comes to those things.

This is more personal. You know… more related to the whole internal conflict of My Dark Side!

Although, dare I say, I’ve been feeling pretty bright these days! It’s good to read something every now and then to remind myself of my own personal struggles that I need to stay on top of. It’s better to read and be reminded rather than slip up and remind myself!

Oh and also, just for sharings sake, this is a post about marriage which I like a lot! A man tells his wife of 20 years “I don’t love you anymore.” and she goes “Psshhh! Yea right!”

Happy Weekend!

Smileyface :)

 

Shubh Diwali!

Deya’s!

I love living in a country where people embrace the good in all faiths!

I’m sure that anyone from here will be able to guess where I am now, but hey as long as I’m not actually saying it :P

Christmas, Eid Il Fitr and Diwali are all public holidays here. (Yes I know that does not encompass ALL religions, but they are the most prevailing faiths in this culture) That means that multiculturalism is embedded enough into society that decades ago the GOVERNMENT decided to make it official. Think about it!

Multiculturalism is embedded into society at all levels to the point where it is actually official.

I know I can’t say that we are living in peace, or that racism and prejudice are dead and all that… They definitely aren’t. But I trust that we will get better. And I can say that at least I am living in a society where FAITH is respected and not mocked or scoffed at! Whichever faith it may be!

My mum’s side of the family is Muslim, and my Dad’s side is Christian. I grew up celebrating both Eid and Christmas. Merging cultures is a concept that up until I was 11 years old had been ingrained into my family and our upbringing alone, separate from everyone else in our neighbourhood. I didn’t mind, people were curious and interested in my background and I was always happy to share what I knew! My background was a spark for conversation, for learning, for self expression and for my own sense of self, sense of pride and my interest in other cultures. That being said, I was very happy to discover when I first moved here the last time (just over 12 years ago now) that this concept is actually ingrained into an entire society.

I would love to say where I am right now, but unfortunately when I did a search on posts that this country has been tagged in it came up to maybe one or two posts a week… I don’t want anyone guessing who I am! That happens when you live in a small world!

Anyway, for anyone who doesn’t know, Diwali is the Hindu Christmas! As in, it’s the biggest festival on the Hindu calendar. It is known as the Festival of Light and celebrates the triumph of light over darkness. Of good over evil.

To everyone who has decided to stumble across a blog named The Story Of My Dark Side, I believe that this is a concept we can ALL vibe with! That ultimately Light will triumph over Darkness.

Sincerely

Smileyface :)

My Sunday (Thoughts About Faith and the Material World)

Did you know that The Big Bang Theory was invented by a Catholic priest?

Look him up! His name is Georges Lemaitre.

I love science, so was very happy to find this out! About 10 years ago I did have some trouble with the whole “science vs. religion” debate as although I did want to believe that there was a God, I didn’t want to forget science. It was one of my best subjects at school! Luckily I learned a few years later that actually science and Catholicism can easily go together and one very useful way to see it is that science is merely another one of Gods tools with which he creates this world :)

Boom! I find that quite easy to comprehend, and any science nerds that still try to debate that whole aspect of religion with me (a.k.a. Dad, brother, sister, classmates…) I feel just can’t handle losing that argument :P haha!

I could write an entire post about science and religion but would instead rather talk about my day today! Might come back to this later.

Today’s Gospel reading at church was the one where the rich guy asked Jesus how to achieve eternal life and Jesus tells him to give up all his possessions and follow him. Then the rich guy walks away feeling sad and Jesus proceeds to say how difficult it is for a rich man to go to heaven.

Right.

I know this passage might bring relief to a lot of people who are struggling financially. As for me, on the other hand, this passage always makes me feel kinda uneasy. I’m a spoilt expat brat. No other way to say it! Sure, I have known P-L-E-N-T-Y of kids who were more spoilt than I am, but I also know plenty of people who are much less spoilt than me and all I can do to make myself feel better is resort to relativism e.g. “at least I am not like them!”  In this case, “them” referring to all the other spoilt kids I ever knew or encountered! Although, I do try to hide it as much as I possibly can I am sure it must show through sometimes.

Today has been one of those days…. Nuff said, moving on!

Another thing I can say is “well, I don’t know anyone who would be willing to give up all of their stuff!” with the exception of the few nuns I’ve met briefly at church of course… They are different!

And also, by nature, as an artist and a designer I have an undying desire to surround myself with pretty things! My clothes, my accessories, my home decor, my blog theme etc…. My career (oh yea! I finally got a job!) is based on the principle of making material possessions both practical and aesthetically pleasing.

Human beings appreciate beauty! I love just being able to see! From the trees and birds, to the cities, home decor, fashion, people and my own reflection. Yea, I said it. I am not one of those girls who always hates the way I look! No way! I appreciate it whole heartedly and I hope 30 years from now I can still say that!

I appreciate the things I see so much that I thank God for allowing me to see everything I get to look at everyday.

I also appreciate the things I see so much that I always want more. I always want more clothes, hair styles, shoes, ornaments, lamps, clocks, bed sheets… you get the picture?? It was a task being able to give away everything (yea right! Not everything!!) that I didn’t need in order to ship the rest during my move over here.

People do soften the impact of this particular Gospel reading by instead saying that it means that God does not want us to be “too attached” to our material possessions. That does make me feel better. I know that if I had to give away all my possessions then I could. If it was out of necessity. There are more important things out there and I know this at the bottom of my heart. I just hope that I won’t have to, and I hope that by writing this post I have not jinxed myself. Eeek.

Anyway, I am not quite sure how to conclude this post… I always suck at conclusions!

After hearing todays Gospel reading and then analysing my own attitude… I can at least thank God that he has brought this to my attention again and continues to on a regular basis through the world around me. I am reminded all the time that I should be grateful for everything in my life, material and immaterial. I pray that he continues to remind me, that I continue to grow in my ability to show thanks for all the good blessings in my life, and that I can grow and learn new ways of showing thanks and gratitude by contributing in my own way to the world I have been given.

Faithfully,

Smileyface! :)

Purpose and Influence

So you can’t (or won’t) get away from negative influences?

The problem is what this does to your mind. More specifically, your thoughts.

Our minds are always buzzing with things, big or small. Whether it is your plan for the next 5 years or simply the show you are watching which you aren’t the least bit interested in. One of my favourite moments of “empty” mindedness is when I notice the pattern in which the couch fabric I am sitting on happens to be weaved, or the strokes of paint on the ceiling. This might make me sound very simple minded! ESPECIALLY when my fiance catches me staring and says “what are you thinking about?” as if I appear to be in deep thought, and all I can answer is: “well I noticed that the brush strokes on the ceiling have made an interesting pattern and I am watching it.”

If I dig deeper though and really feel like putting in the effort, I can then go on to explain that I stare at these things because I am a visual person. I dissect every day objects and patterns in my mind not only because I am an artist, but I like knowing how things are made and how they work. When I stare absent mindedly at the brush strokes of paint on the ceiling, I am visualising the order and flow of which the paint was applied onto the ceiling, where the brush was lifted up leaving tiny raised dots of paint where the bristles were pulled away, and where the more broken up strokes indicate that the painter might have been in a slight hurry or running out of paint near the end of the day.

The point I am making is how the tiniest details can be pulled apart into a million pieces and into a million further thoughts. Small things can become bigger. We may not even notice. I often don’t notice when my mind has become lost in the weave of a basket, but it happens! Before I know it I am thinking about making my own basket, then about home decor, then about paint, then paint fumes and then health.

So anyway. We can’t turn away from negative influences without replacing them with a positive influence. And if we won’t turn away from our negative influences, then we can’t discard the negative thoughts that result without choosing to divert our attention to a positive thought.

The incentive to control our thoughts is nil unless we have a goal or a purpose to direct our thoughts to.

We need a long term goal. I don’t want to say we need several long term goals because they will end up conflicting with each other and when that happens we need to find a way to prioritise which one will be the winner. We need to figure out our one overall ultimate long term purpose in life.

If you can’t figure out what your purpose is just yet, then make that your number one goal for now: to find out what your purpose is!

When we have found that purpose, that number one priority, it simplifies your life! As you go over the decisions of your day, ask yourself “will this bring me closer to fulfilling my purpose in life?” It can take a lot of discipline to answer this to yourself honestly but it reminds you of your priorities and how the actions you make affect each of them.

Why has God given you life and put you in this world?

What did He envision you doing to contribute to this world which He made?

It could appear big or small to others but this is only about you. No one else.

I know mine would actually seem quite small in many peoples eyes, but I know it’s worth and if I manage to live it out until the day I leave this world then I will be as happy and content as I ever could be.

Sincerely

Smileyface :)

P.S. I wrote this while listening to Alicia Keys. Her music has been a positive influence for the past 10 or so years of my life!

Easily Influenced?

I can be easily influenced.

So…

I try to surround myself with POSITIVE influences!

I think people underestimate the power of other influences in their lives. I had to say this because many people (including myself) often feel too proud or even too “grown up” to be influenced by others. I used to feel like I was too smart to be easily influenced.

But then I realised, it’s not that I was too smart to be easily influenced. It’s that I had been surrounded by intelligent people that acted as positive influences in my life and my self-image. So how could I possibly go down a bad road when I am only interacting with positive influences?

This realisation didn’t happen overnight. But from my experiences over the years with a few different groups of people, my standards and views on life flow in response to who and what is going on around me. If you surround yourself with people who have what you would consider a lower moral standard than yourself (and lets be honest, cutting all the niceties and polite-ness, you KNOW when this is the case!) you begin to feel like you are an amazingly wise and saintly person! You may then start to feel like because of all your hard work and moral value, you can afford to relax a little and give in to that one vice which appears innocent compared to what’s going on around you. After all, it’s not like you’re being as bad as them!

This is not healthy, this is how bad habits are formed. But it happens. As humans we always compare and most things are relative. I know it!

The wake up call comes when you suddenly find yourself surrounded by people of a higher moral standard than you. It’s very simple! All of a sudden you realise that you would rather not share the stories of those tiny little vices you’ve been indulging in, however small they are. You may even feel a little ashamed! Stay around these people long enough, and you will find yourself phasing out those vices once again. Eventually.

I guess it comes down to which influence you spend more time with. This will end up being your primary influence and the winner of your soul. Boom.

I know that everyone has different degrees of this. We are not all EXACTLY the same. Some people appear much harder to influence than others, but I would like to argue that no one gets this way on their own. If I meet someone who appears to be very well grounded in their values and principles… someone who is simply just very hard to influence, then I will assume that they probably have a much stronger influence in their life with which they choose to really focus themselves. Positive or negative.

This is why I find that religion is such a gift to humanity.

I am fully aware that there are lots of atheists out there living full and happy lives filled with deep inner peace and a love for their neighbours and the world around them. My Dad has always been a real example of this to me. He is an atheist, and I can easily say that he is the most kind hearted person I know. The influences that contribute to who he is are his parents (who are in fact Christian) and his siblings. Their influence is held on to and continued through my Dad’s strong sense of purpose to be a good Dad and provider for our family. I could dedicate an entire book to his example (if I could write a book!).

But family is not the only influence in anyone’s life. I’ve had friends, teachers, classmates, communities, culture, tv, music, art, the list goes ooooonnnnnn….. All of these things are my influences and all of these things have a tendency to send mixed signals from time to time.

I need guidance to know when to follow and when to lead, when to hold on and when to let go, what to believe in and what to be wary of.

I can’t come up with this all by myself.

I need a positive and constant influence to surround myself with.

This is one reason why I have been gradually introducing Catholicism to myself over the past few years. It’s a lot to take on all at once.

But God is one influence in my life who I can say with confidence will always lead me down the right path, keeping in mind that I need to know how to apply my belief and understand God according to the context of what is written and what I have been taught. God is also the one influence who I could present any issue to without worrying about the shame or embarrassment I would rather not put myself through when I am afraid to speak to anyone else. Stating the obvious: I care about how people see me, especially the people I am closest to. God however already knows all there is to me so there’s no point in hiding.

I can’t say that religion is black and white, the Bible, as with any religious text, is very open to interpretation hence there are many different sectors of Christianity who all interprate the Bible differently. I need to take the time to read, pray and meditate on what I am reading and maybe speak with someone about it as well. Someone who I respect and who also knows the Bible and Catholicism better than I do! Speaking indirectly about an issue with someone by asking questions about the Bible may be a lot easier than speaking directly about whatever the issue is. Of course they may read me and figure out what it is that is really bothering me, I have to decide if I want to take that risk!

Anyway, what this all comes down to is I believe that no matter how “mature” we are, we are all easily influenced. The key is to try and choose your influences as wisely as possible. Be picky! Be picky with who your friends are, be picky about the music you listen to and be picky about the TV you watch. Be mindful about how much time you spend with negative influences you can’t avoid, and be determined to spend at least equal or more time than that with the influences you need.

In fact you can start by just choosing one influence that you know you can always depend on to lead you down the right path. When you have found that influence feel free to question it at times, questions lead to a deeper understanding, but do not ever turn your back on it. Keep it with you.

I would like to recommend this post, Everyone Worships Something, on a blog which I don’t always agree with, but I do believe holds a lot of insight and wisdom which I can’t get enough of! I love reading each post as it comes up on my Reader and they always give me something to really think about.

I think I could write half a dissertation about influences, so I will just leave it at that for now!

Much Love!

Smileyface :-)

My Dark Side Helps Me To Forgive

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…

My Dark Side helps me to forgive.

Or maybe I should say “awareness of My Dark Side helps me to forgive”?

I can’t say I’m an expert, that’s not why I started this blog.

I think forgiveness has layers. If someone wrongs you, you have to choose whether or not you want to retaliate.

Someone may say that choosing not to retaliate may be forgiveness… but is it really?

I would like to describe myself as a generally calm person. In fact, I often do! If I’m having a good day or if I am in a situation where I NEED to appear positive a.k.a. job interviews, meeting new people, bla bla bla… I describe myself as someone who is “calm” and can stay “calm” in many situations.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t walk away and spend the next 3 days plotting my imaginary revenge or re-playing countless witty comebacks or even cat fight techniques that I should have thought of hours/days ago.

That’s right, I am not a calm person. I am VERY passive-aggressive!!

But on the outside, I really do look like I have forgiven the person! I look like an angel. And oh, don’t I wish I was :'( sadface.

And no, in my grown up years I can say that I have never gone out specifically with the intent of acting out revenge on an annoying acquaintance/friend/loved one. But I have on many occasions “slipped out” an action, word, face or whatever to portray that I really am not happy and that if I were a little more gutsy, maybe I would have thrown a real temper tantrum and thrown my dinner plate all over said acquaintance/friend/loved ones face!

One thing leads to another, bing bang boom everyone hates each other and we are all throwing imaginary dinner plates across the room.

SNOWBALL.

I’m making it sound funny, but it’s not. Relationships, families, communities, nations have broken down this way throughout the history of humankind. Sorry if I sound like someones Mother right now but hey, it is what it is.

I often think I am good because I haven’t retaliated, I have shown “forgiveness”.

But in the end it always comes out.

Those darn emotions get the better of me again :-s

So, anyway, My Dark Side had a (few) big snowball fight(s) and I’ve had time to recuperate. It is The Thorn In My Flesh. It is there to keep me from being conceited. It is there to remind me that I am flawed, I am weak, I am imperfect. I am reminded every day that I need to forgive or else I should not expect to be forgiven. I am reminded that this is something we all go through and that this is something we all need.

This helps me to forgive much more wholeheartedly than I ever have before.

The very freeing thing about this which I am sure has been said before is that forgiveness makes love so much easier.

I can’t stress this enough to anyone. It allows you to give knowing that what you get in return may not be immediate or perfect, but that’s O.K. because we all have our Thorns to deal with and you are going to be a part of the process.

I don’t think this is something I would be able to feel or understand without having to deal with my own Dark Side.

So there we go. My Dark Side helps me to forgive.

“…my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

A little elaboration for you :-)

Quietly thanking God for this, although not rejoicing just yet. This was a friggin hard lesson to learn and I still can’t get it right as often as I should. SMH!

Yours Thankfully,

Smileyface :-)

The Thorn In My Flesh

My Dark Side does not make a statement with colossal mistakes or a grand entrance. It does not draw attention to its self or else it would be easy to spot and then eradicate. It creeps up on me in the little blunders and moments of careless, selfish indulgence that I encounter day to day. I ignore and dismiss these little blunders as they are just small and do not seem to represent anything more than the little blunders that they are.

Unfortunately, when I ignore these things they pile up. They can pile up unnoticed for months or years so that by the time I notice them, they have already done the damage necessary to make me feel like a horrible excuse for a human being. The one positive outcome of this is that it forces me to acknowledge that I do in fact have a Dark Side. Now what?

You see, the issue is that My Dark Side manifests its self when I am not aware of it. In order for me to not be aware of it means that I am probably at a wonderful place in life! I am getting everything right! I am feeling confident! I am happy!

This fact TERRIFIES me.

It terrifies me to the point where all I can come up with to counteract My Dark Side is stay on edge. I can never let myself get too happy or too confident at the risk that if I do, I will forget, and then My Dark Side will regain the momentum it had lost when I first discovered it.

I wish that I could forget it. I wish I could believe that I am the wonderful person with the dismissable imperfections that I thought I was.

A few months ago I rediscovered this verse:

7 To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This is beautiful. With the little but growing Faith I have, it doesn’t magically put everything right. But on my low days it is something I look at to remind myself of many things. Things happen for a reason. If I was perfect, then I would not need to grow. I would not need anyone to help me. I would not need love. I would not need God. I would be self-sufficient and alone on a pedestal.

Besides, if I ever thought I could become truly perfect, then I would probably just become conceited by my own amazingness and near perfection and then once again, alone!

So I know that living in fear of My Dark Side, putting a lid on my overall happiness, confidence etc. is not the right thing to do. It is actually quite exhausting and destructive to the bundle of joy that I strive to be!

Here is me finding another way :)

Yours Truly

Blankspace.

Allow me to elaborate…

I am new to this.

I have been toying with the idea of creating a blog for months now, but have this problem where my mind is FULL OF IDEAS until I see a blank page in front of me. Then my mind seems to just follow suit and go blank.

But my little sister (who is an amazing writer soon to start her 2nd year at university! So proud!) has told me that until I get used to writing again I should just accept that what comes out will sometimes be crap! So here we are :) smileyface!

I Am:

• a 23 year old girl/woman (depending on my mood)
• newly betrothed!
• Catholic
• previously Muslim
• of multi-cultural heritage
• moving abroad IMMINENTLY!!

Each bullet point will probably get its own blog post in due time.

This semi-anonymous blog is so named The Story Of My Dark Side because that is more or less what I want it to be.

I am taking a new approach to the word “honesty” and no I can’t promise to be 100% honest, I don’t believe it is ever possible to tell 100% truth (e.g. who I am is not confined to the six points I just listed, there is SO MUCH MORE…) but I want to expose a little of what makes me human.

Besides, if I could be 100% honest then maybe I wouldn’t even have a real dark side and this blog would be pretty redundant?

I am exposing my dark side.

So I can learn to accept it.

And so I can learn to manage it.

And so that hopefully you all can read it and know that your dark side is not alone in this world!

Yours Truly,

Blankspace.

(Help me pick a fake name please!!)